I turned 25 about a month ago, and I wanted to write this down as a reflection of how I feel right now. My hope is that when I read it in a year, I’ll be in a different mindset than I am today.
Turning 25 feels like the end of early opportunity. So many of the things I wanted for myself, I imagined I would already have by now - if it weren’t for the problems I’ll mention later. People call it a quarter of your life, but realistically it’s closer to a third. Not having accomplished much by this point feels like a mirror of how bad my life has felt so far. All my life, I’ve felt like I could do more than I actually have. That hasn’t really changed. I’ve struggled with self-confidence, physically, mentally, and everything in between. Most of the time I think negatively about myself, except when it comes to art. Art has always been the one thing I know I’m good at.
Sadly that bubble has been slowly deflating for the past years. A lack of routine, fear of leaving my comfort zone, and an addiction I couldn’t shake for years have all taken a toll. It started as substance use, something I leaned on to numb the stress of real life and deal with my sleep issues. At some point, though, it began doing the complete opposite, leaving me more drained and disconnected. Because of this, I’ve lost relationships, hurt my connection with family and friends, and missed out on goals and opportunities. Not having a “real” job has only made things worse.
Being part of the Melee community—which I’m deeply grateful for—gave me experiences and goals I never thought I’d reach, as well as friendships I was missing during my first four years away from home. But at the same time, it’s felt like an addictive anesthesia. It numbs the scar of my career and personal struggles. I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the communities I’ve supported, but I know it’s also been a way to avoid the real issues I should be facing.
This is something I want to change.
First, I’m stepping back from events and freelancing so I can focus on getting a stable job, staying in Canada, and actually making my Visual Arts degree worth it. I’ll still take commissions from a few clients I’ve already worked with, and I’ll still show up at locals—but this time just to enjoy the game and get better without feeling like a poser.
Second, I need to cut social media out of my daily life. Twitter is the first to go. It doesn’t benefit my art career, and reading so much negativity from the community and the world isn’t good for my mental health, or anyone else’s. I’ll be deactivating this account in a week as part of stepping back and focusing on what matters most. If you want to keep up with me, I’ll try to be more active on Instagram or post updates here when I’ve got new work.
What I really want is to reach my dreams:
• I will be stable.
• I will help my family and friends.
• I will become a great artist and designer.
• I will finally start the two businesses I’ve been planning for years.
• I will love myself.
It may sound like a lot, but I don’t see another option. To get there, I need to remove distractions and face reality. This is the only way forward. I hope this writing works not just as a place to set down my affirmations, but also as a snapshot of my mindset right now. And honestly, I pray that when I read this later, I’ll be able to laugh at it.
Thank you if you’ve read this. Writing isn’t something I usually enjoy, but I want to get more comfortable with it. And thank you to the Melee community for welcoming me with open arms. I’ve loved working with different groups and helping however I could. I hope one day I can do even more.
Con amor, gabo <3
Turning 25 feels like the end of early opportunity. So many of the things I wanted for myself, I imagined I would already have by now - if it weren’t for the problems I’ll mention later. People call it a quarter of your life, but realistically it’s closer to a third. Not having accomplished much by this point feels like a mirror of how bad my life has felt so far. All my life, I’ve felt like I could do more than I actually have. That hasn’t really changed. I’ve struggled with self-confidence, physically, mentally, and everything in between. Most of the time I think negatively about myself, except when it comes to art. Art has always been the one thing I know I’m good at.
Sadly that bubble has been slowly deflating for the past years. A lack of routine, fear of leaving my comfort zone, and an addiction I couldn’t shake for years have all taken a toll. It started as substance use, something I leaned on to numb the stress of real life and deal with my sleep issues. At some point, though, it began doing the complete opposite, leaving me more drained and disconnected. Because of this, I’ve lost relationships, hurt my connection with family and friends, and missed out on goals and opportunities. Not having a “real” job has only made things worse.
Being part of the Melee community—which I’m deeply grateful for—gave me experiences and goals I never thought I’d reach, as well as friendships I was missing during my first four years away from home. But at the same time, it’s felt like an addictive anesthesia. It numbs the scar of my career and personal struggles. I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the communities I’ve supported, but I know it’s also been a way to avoid the real issues I should be facing.
This is something I want to change.
First, I’m stepping back from events and freelancing so I can focus on getting a stable job, staying in Canada, and actually making my Visual Arts degree worth it. I’ll still take commissions from a few clients I’ve already worked with, and I’ll still show up at locals—but this time just to enjoy the game and get better without feeling like a poser.
Second, I need to cut social media out of my daily life. Twitter is the first to go. It doesn’t benefit my art career, and reading so much negativity from the community and the world isn’t good for my mental health, or anyone else’s. I’ll be deactivating this account in a week as part of stepping back and focusing on what matters most. If you want to keep up with me, I’ll try to be more active on Instagram or post updates here when I’ve got new work.
What I really want is to reach my dreams:
• I will be stable.
• I will help my family and friends.
• I will become a great artist and designer.
• I will finally start the two businesses I’ve been planning for years.
• I will love myself.
It may sound like a lot, but I don’t see another option. To get there, I need to remove distractions and face reality. This is the only way forward. I hope this writing works not just as a place to set down my affirmations, but also as a snapshot of my mindset right now. And honestly, I pray that when I read this later, I’ll be able to laugh at it.
Thank you if you’ve read this. Writing isn’t something I usually enjoy, but I want to get more comfortable with it. And thank you to the Melee community for welcoming me with open arms. I’ve loved working with different groups and helping however I could. I hope one day I can do even more.
Con amor, gabo <3